"There are so many things that have been taken away from me"

Q.1 Has there been any moment of regret ever?

Never in my life have I regretted anything. As far as I can remember, I have always been very mature and I have been very aware of the fact that I am very special. We all are special. But I realised this at a very early age. So I have always put my best foot forward and made the best of every situation given to me.

Now people might think that I am not married and I have no children -- the conventional lifestyle, you know -- but I see it this way: As long as you are alive, you have a chance to have a future. At least there is hope. Not that I see what I see around me and feel happy about it. But I have hope.

Q.2 What has been your single biggest achievement?
I think to be able to win the hearts of millions and millions of people over the years. As far as I can remember I have always been bestowed with love and admiration. It's not just the outer beauty that people admire in me; it's really gratifying to know that people relate to me as a person too.

It's amazing. It's like a tussle between what is being created, a myth, and how much negativity it generates. It's like sour grapes. How much people talk of this Rekha and they make these bridges of thorns that never reach up to her. Every human being who has got in touch with me has always gone back with a very warm feeling, very positive feelings about me.

You included, I am so confident. You might be the media, but this interview is really about one human being relating to another. Whichever way I can inspire you or touch you as a human being, is all that matters. I might sound like a saint that I certainly am not and I am not a spiritual person either. But I am trying to be what I am meant to be, which is a part of God.

I know for sure that we all are a part of God and so am I. Some value that and some don't. So the sooner you value that the sooner you realise that it's best for all of us. I realised that at a very early age.

Q.3 But you must hurt with the way people behave at times...
A person who doesn't understand another person's predicament will get hurt. Only a person who is so full of herself, is selfish, has expectations from other people gets hurt. I don't expect. I have been alone for so long in my life that there is no need for expecting anything from anybody. Also, I am not judgmental.

I have certain norms in my life. I don't want anybody to judge me because I have had too many people doing that from the very beginning. And without really knowing me they have passed judgments. So I have learned never to judge people. I have learnt always to keep an open mind and to give the benefit of doubt and to always look at the plus points of people.

It is important to appreciate little things in life, to be able to share as much as you can, to be able to have fun instead of criticising, sulking and brooding. There is no time to think about why that man did not say hello to me or why haven't I been treated in a particular way. There is no time for all these things. Life is too beautiful to think of these things.

So unless you don't think and practise these things on a daily basis, you cannot be Rekha. You cannot look the way she looks, you cannot think the way she thinks and you cannot function the way she functions.

After 30 years, people say, aren't you tired of this work? I tell them that this is not the be-all and end-all for me. If I am here, then it's just a part of what I am doing. What I am really doing is living life. People think in very superficial terms. I am really living life and my career is a huge part of that creative side of life.

Q.4 Have you had an opportunity to display your talents 100 per cent?

I hope not. Because I think if you feel that you have already achieved everything that you want, then either you are vain or you don't have the will to live.

I think if you don't want to live life till the day comes when it's all over, then you are killing yourself prematurely. In my case this won't be possible because I don't think it would be over even when I am dead and gone.

I feel that I still have lot to learn. I do feel that I have given my 100 per cent to my roles but I cannot say that they have been flawless performances. I always feel that I wish I could have done better or I could have done it differently. Sometimes you fall prey to your weaker side and I try not to do that, but most of the times it happens.

Some elements play a major part in it and it is for the better. Like you feel that you really have given a great performance when it is an emotional scene or something like that. Your frustrations can be diverted or converted into positive things like that. Sometimes it happens that everything is hunky dory and you take things for granted and then you give a cliched performance. It happens like that too. So I have never felt that I have achieved everything that I had to.

Q.5 You seem to be have a distrust towards the Press.

Not really. You were earlier talking of pain and we went off subject. I gave you reasons as to how you perceive things in present circumstances. Or what a person said or what is happening to you. Like somebody might lose a child or something drastic might happen.

In that situation you want to abuse the creator or you want to give it all up and lose meaning in life. Like Hrithik (Roshan) very rightly said he wanted to give up before all this began. Why must his innocent father go through all that? What kind of a system are we in? He is still a child. For him to think like this is fine.

I, at an early age, realised that there is nothing in this world you cannot control if you put your mind to it. I am not saying that you can bring back my dead baby, but I can control how I perceive it. I can control what I need to do with the situation. There are so many things that have been taken away from me, I have been deprived of many things. But a million other doors open for me only if I choose that path. I can't let just this one episode dominate my entire life or I will become bitter, then I will die any moment.

And I will be deprived of life where I can do so much for mankind. Because that is what we are all here for. To make this world a better place, to be able to contribute to our fellow beings, to be able to make mankind the species of the world. We don't do that. We tend to take shortcuts. We go on a self-pity trip and criticise people. We behave naively. Any intelligent person, that I hope I am, will think how am I going to solve the problem? If I can't solve it then I look for what is in my control that I can solve.

I have a choice to choose which path I should take. Either I choose to crumble and die and wallow in self-pity, or explore the opportunities and take the risk of a different path. Even if it is not a success. At least, you know you tried. I am not a pessimist. I am a very positive thinker and I think I have come a long way too soon in life. There is no looking back now.

By Subhash K Jha (16th Mar-2000)