"I have never taken Stardom Seriously"

Q.1 When did you get conscious of having become Rekha, the star?

Well, unfortunately with my first film itself. They kept drilling into my mind that I had arrived. That I was a big hit with people.

Fortunately I had a very disciplined family that already had a film industry background. My father and my mother were both actors. For them, it was more important to have a head on your shoulders, to be grounded, to be grateful with whatever you had and to be very disciplined and punctual and god-fearing and take your art much more seriously than life itself.

Like, if you have fallen and hurt yourself and are bleeding, then so be it. You don't have to react to that while doing your shot. We were trained in a different way and my mother was really good at her work. For a while, she was the sole breadwinner in the family. I had the good fortune to have her guidance throughout my career.

I have never taken stardom seriously. At school, my friends would get to see my film and I would get to eat more chocolates. That was it.

Q.2 Did fame ever bother you?

It did bother me when I was a teenager. There were some things that were written. I missed certain things like going to the store and eating an ice-cream or just taking a walk. These things bothered me for about seven to eight years.

Later on, I realised that there are so many other beautiful things to life that you should learn to focus on. I realised that there was no point sulking because there was nobody to answer the questions that were in my head. So I think, on my own, something else came over me and I started sorting out things, seeking answers within me.

So I never worried about why certain things were happening to me or why they weren't happening. Luckily, I started concentrating on creative things like languages. I loved Urdu even though I was not educated in the language. So I listened to ghazals and picked up words and wanted to know their meaning. And I went into music in a big way too. I wasn't into discotheques or drugs and those kind of things. I was more into feeling the music or feeling the environment around me. I love gardening, so I would be in my garden. I am a very creative person.

Q.3 How would you describe the current phase of your career?

Career is just five-and-a-half per cent of me.

You wouldn't believe it. People don't get a chance to meet me as a real person. I think they associate me with Rekha the actress. They think as an actress, that is my whole persona. I am familiar with that person who is an actress because the whole world sees me that way. But I know me as me.

And I know that there is a far bigger world of Rekha, which has nothing to do with the industry and my profession. So whatever there is to do with my profession is significant and insignificant in the same way. It's everything and it's nothing.

For me my career is not in terms of how many films have been released or how many films have been hits or how busy I am or how many days I shoot. I believe that even if I shoot five days a month, what matters is how much it consumes me and how much it fascinates me and how much energy is spent in those creative moments. These things are more important to me.

So where do I say my career is? You must ask my producers this. For them, I am still in demand. I still charge a phenomenal price and I get it too. And people still write to me and I still have many fans. I am not being unrealistic about this. I still know that I am wanted and loved and I am very grateful for it. But the fact is that there is more to all this and I am still discovering it myself.

Q.4What is your assessment of your last film, Mother?

Like I told you, I am not judgmental. I enjoyed every moment in the film. My work in the film was enjoyable. Again you can't have it all. You can't have the dialogues you want or the kind of directorial support that you want. You can't have the success of a commercial cinema. I don't think I deserve anything from anybody else.

I deserve only the things I can give myself. I deserve to be in a situation that I made myself. Yes, there are lot of people who have contributed in terms of inspiration, in terms of support, in terms of compassion, friendship, love and understanding.

But really speaking, the choices are mine. So I have chosen to be in this situation. It could be bad or good. But I don't think it is bad really. I am very happy.

Q.5 Which are the films you are currently working on?

I may be doing Rajkumar Santoshi's film Lajja. Which is about womanhood in today's world. I have almost signed it. We are still talking about it. I have just finished Zubeida, which I think might release in July.

I really feel that my fans must pray that I get to do many meaningful movies and I keep working. I am not unhappy with the state of affairs now. Or I wouldn't have given big gaps between my films. Despite that, they all did well. But I think I would love to do more films. As I said, I am not done with acting yet.

By Subhash K Jha (16th Mar-2000)