Exclusive Interview in Asia Spa Magazine

Sheer fluke. The fact that in my more than 18 years as a film journalist, I haven't had the opportunity for a one-on-one with the ultimate diva, Rekha. Our paths did cross and there have been the occasional conversations on the phone but a penned down interview has proved elusive. Surprising, since like millions of others, I've carefully (tried to) copy her look ever since I was a teenager. The huge bindi smack in the middle of the eyebrows, pleats of the sari tucked at the navel so that the pleats swish as you walk. The works in fact. Rekha is perfection personified. Each shot is always, well, perfect. Whether it's for a movie or the still camera. Maybe that's exactly why I must have been that little bit reluctant to get to know her. Even a tiny scratch could shatter the myth. Of course, my fears were swished away within seconds of our sitting across the table at her first floor office in Sea Bird at Bandra. There are no defences. An easy conversation ensues which went somewhat like this:

Q.1 You seem to be lying low. What have you been busy with?

Well, apart from shooting, I've been trying to put my house in order. Weeding out the clutter, in a way. I've been handling my affairs single-handedly for more than 30 years. It suddenly hit me that there was no method in the madness. Almost every costume and piece of jewellery I've used in a film or for a photo shoot has been my own. For the past three years I've carefully been cataloguing each piece I own for future reference, you know simplifying life. And then there's the paper work. Filing can be so tedious and boring for someone with my creative sense.

Q.2 But it has to be done.

(Sighs) Yes, and I have to do it myself since only I know what's what. And some of the stuff had gathered so much dust that I've developed an allergy to it. It was quite bad for a long time, but I'm better now after having started off on naturopathy medicines like karela juice, barley water and neem.

Q.3 How different are you today than when you first started out?

There's nothing different that I do now that I haven't done all my life. To really get to know Rekha the star, you first have to get to know me as a person. And the truth is that I'm still discovering who I myself am. You can begin to know me if you're convinced and trust me about what I say. Twenty-five years ago, I started sorting out things in my mind. I learnt a lot. And I've been putting into practice what I've learnt. My mother instilled some basic values in me. She told me to do my best without expecting anything in return. Apne karam karte jao. If someone is being really nasty to you, there's a reason behind it. Have faith in yourself and trust in God. Sometime in the future, you'll come across an explanation for their actions.
And that's exactly what I've been doing. There have been disillusionments, anxieties and at times there's been complete chaos in my life. I've also tried to master the art of being able to channelise the negatives, the pain in my life productively rather than brood over the whys. I prefer to ask why not and try to figure out how best I can live in such a situation.

Q.4 Do you ever feel lonely?

I have always been alone but I've never been lonely... I've said this before... But there was a sticker I used to have next to my bed once, "You're never alone when you're pregnant." That was the time of the baby boom... my sisters; my friends like Yogita Bali and Neetu Singh were all having babies... Now I've come a full circle. Now I know that you can never be alone as long as you have the ability to think and feel. Even when you're by yourself, you can imagine, dream, relish going back to your childhood, and appreciate the time spent with your loved ones. So where's the question of ever feeling lonely? Somehow "lonely" sounds so sad and negative. I talk a lot, don't I? Pehle bilkul nahin bolti thi. I kept everything inside me. But I've understood that if I want to put my views across, I have to express myself to a certain extent.

Q.5 What brought about the change?

Many years ago, my close loved ones and my fans asked me to write my biography because they feel I've had a very constructive life and that there's so much I can teach and share with everyone. They feel my experiences can make a difference in a common man's life. Like they might feel that if `the' Rekha's gone through this, then hum kis khet ki mooli hai . But an autobiography is something I will never write. I'm an honest and truthful person and I would never want anything but the truth to come out.
Having said that, I'd like to add that I'm a very, very shy and private person. I don't believe it's necessary to part with every little detail of your life in order to make a positive difference to someone else's life.
I share my life through my interviews, my performances. I don't think it's important to give information to the press about your career--how many films you've signed, how many hits you've had. It's so boring to say, " Humne bahut mehnat ki," "Yeh film alag hai", "Music hit hai " and stuff like that.
Films are just an itsy bitsy part of me. My interviews are a slice of me. I learn a lot about myself through my interviews. I see my growth through them, discover how honest I've been, the fun I've had with words and whether the journo asking the questions has understood the real details I want to part with. Actually, I've seen that the interviews are more about the journos' point of view and their interpretation of what I say and less about what I've really said to them.

Q.6 Is the life of an actress very stressed? There are so many cases of actresses committing suicide down South like Monal.

The life of an actor is no different from that of any other human being in any walk of life. We all have brains, hearts, families. The pressures may vary in intensity but we all have our share of problems and worries.
But yes, we actors do live a crash course of life through the characters we portray. When an actor plays a particular character, he discovers that these characters exist within you too. You start looking at the world through the eyes of the character. We live many lives in one life.
If I'm in a situation where there's something negative happening, as an actor, a part of my brain is constantly registering the violence or whatever for future reference. But if it's gossip happening, what they say it won't get registered. Not that I have built a wall around myself, call it conditioning. If someone is indulging in gossip, I won't stop them saying "Bandh karo ye bakwas," I'll just store their mannerisms and body language in my acting bank. That comes naturally to me. Anyway, my nature has always been to overlook the trivial and negative aspects of life and focus on the positive.

Q.7 Is it really that easy to ignore negativity?

I have a choice, I can get depressed or become dysfunctional, indulge in drugs, alcohol or toxic relationships and try to numb my pain in vain or simply choose to feel the pain instead and allow it to enrich my life making me a stronger and wiser person.
Like I may not be able to go to the West Bank to change the Palestinian leader's mind or the Israeli leader's mind but I can get out of my house and help the first person I come across who needs help and make a difference to his or her life. That's the choice I make.

Q.8 Have you done that often?

Oh yeah, that's me. That's the way I survive, that's the way I've always lived my life.

Q.9 What exactly would you do?

Oh, if I bump into some urchin kid on the road I could just smile at him or punch the little one in the stomach or tickle him... whatever.
People ask me how come I don't get upset when my loved ones don't react the way I expect them to. That's when I tell them that it's futile to expect. I know that it's not easy for a normal person to stop expecting some kind of reaction. But even without expecting, I've been bestowed with the world and some more. Beyond my wildest dreams.
Every single moment that I can remember there's only been love, love and more love not only from the people who matter to me but total strangers as well. As for people who have had a profound meaning in my life--good, bad or ugly, I thank them even for the negative experiences that they brought because they've made much more of a difference than even the positive influences. No brooding, no sulking. No time for such trivilalities.

Q.10 How do you begin your day?

I'm an early riser. I love nature and I like waking up to the tweeting of birds. The first thing I do in the morning is bounce out of bed and brush my teeth. I think the idea of breakfast in bed is yuck. It's so unhygienic. It's another thing to make love with your loved one the minute you wake up but that comes naturally. It's a paradox but then that's me.

Q.11 Do you believe in God?

I do pray. I love the burning of incense, ek mahaul banta hai . Then I know that I'm in the right atmosphere to talk to him. He's the first person I talk to and share my thoughts with. I thank him for making me what I am, for being with me always, to help me live this day as if it's my last. To help me follow my passions before it's too late. The ritual itself may last a couple of minutes but I do have a continuous dialogue with him... Yes even when I'm sleeping... believe it or not!!
Do you pray to any one particular God?
I believe in a divine being. But yes, I do have favourites. As a child, I was fascinated by Shiva--good-looking, a passionate dancer, he embodies intensity and strength. He has perfect features--the eyes, lips, long hair all fascinated me. He's a great dancer too.
Our kuldevta is Balaji and I walk up to the Tirupati shrine every year. It's a ritual since childhood. On an average, it's a three to four hour trek but sometimes I manage it in one-and-a-half hours.
You must be sprinting up.
Yes, I literally run up. When you're down or when your emotions take over, then you're physically drained. And when I find my feet are heavy, I conclude that an iota of ungratefulness is creeping in. I promptly start counting my blessings to get back on track. Make it to the temple as soon as I can!!

Q.12 Any regrets?

Just one... Ha. Can't talk about it. No, I'm just kidding. There may seem a lot of unfinished dreams but then my mind tells me to ease up. That I'm still alive and I can make it happen. You can't keep just hoping for the best always but you can gear yourself to achieve your goals. So long as you're alive, there's always a chance. No time limits.

Q.13 Are there insecurities?

Trust me, sometimes there are. I'm only human and absolutely normal I hope. At times, confidence is just the cover. Never judge a book by its cover. One can exude confidence through looks but confidence can only be judged through a person's deeds. You never know the end of the book unless you reach the end. And again that depends on how you interpret the writer's thoughts. It's very subjective you know.
People don't have to open the encyclopaedia of life to get answers to simple questions. When I first came across gossip columns, I'd screamed, "Mom, you keep telling me ke apne karam karte jao , and don't react, But how can I keep quiet when they're indulging in yellow journalism all around. Samne se to thok hi rahen hai, pichhe se bhi chura bhonk rahe hain. You keep asking me to cool it. It doesn't work. When I have children, I'll tell them to go out there and fight, give it right back to them. And she said, "Child stop right there. Just get on your knees and thank God for all that has been bestowed on you before rattling away. See, what they write in the tabloids has got nothing to do with you. It's their problem, their job. If you believe they've back-stabbed you, then you're allowing them to triumph. But if you ignore it and believe in yourself, then it's like it never happened. They'll succeed only if you allow them to see how much their actions have affected you. Just ignore them."

Q 14.Have you followed her advice?

There have been doubts and questions, I won't call them pain and trauma. We tend to forget pain, no matter how profound and intense. We seek happiness which doesn't exist. Searching for happiness in vain can never make you a worthy person. It's how you view pain and how you constructively channelise it is what finally makes the difference. Now if there's any sort of "catastrophe" in my life, I stop for a moment. That's exactly how long it takes for me to get a hold on myself now. Earlier it used to take weeks, months or even years which I spent shedding tears. Now I know better... I know that this too shall pass.

Q.15 Do you enjoy reading?

I don't read. Period. I've never read a book in my life. All my "reading" and learning has been through the powers of hearing, listening, smelling and watching TV and through the people I come across every day.
Where's the need to pick up the paper when I can get all the news on CNN while walking the treadmill? I'm very observant and that's very crucial for any actor. My mom used to tell me I was sharp as a toddler, sharper than all my siblings.
I also have a very sharp memory. In a way I consider that a negative trait. Because I don't forget even that which I should. Sometimes, a person becomes immune to certain things but not me. I'm not immune to anything. Everything affects me. And how!!
It's said you never forget a face.
I don't forget anything. Period. Scientists claim we're using only a minute part of our brain potential. I can store so much stock that one lifetime won't be enough to use it all up. I keep grasping and accumulating data--colors, seasons, atmosphere, just about everything.
That's unusual.
You know why I think I'm like this? Because there's so little that's happened to me in terms of events, profound moments. I live alone. I don't meet very many people. I don't have a social life so to speak... and nothing normal impresses me. So what I remember are the rare moments that have affected me.
Since I meet very few people, I can recall exactly where and when I met a particular person last. If I meet someone after 20 years, that's the only memory of the person I have. So there's nothing "Wow" about it. I'm just being practical. I remember people who connect with me immediately. Of course, my mom and friends would beg to differ and like to believe that I'm blessed with some divine stuff from God which makes me this unique person with special senses.

Q16. What do you look on as your achievements?

I've done nothing. There are so many things one wants to do. Everyone wants to be a mother. There are so many ways to look at motherhood. I've been a mother to my mother, to my siblings, to my staff and co-workers... even to strangers.
If it's not biologically, or for any other reason, possible you can always adopt. Or you can just be a mother to your own self. That's what true pampering is all about. It's not diamonds, fast cars or any other gifts, it comes from within you. To respect what you have within you and take care of it.
My sister tells me, "Akka, we look up to you for guidance and protection." She insists I'll make a good counselor. She feels I'm being selfish in not sharing my experiences. She wants me to do a TV show if not write my autobiography.

Q.17 Any plans for a TV show?

There have been several offers. I believe Sri (Sridevi) has started doing it. Everyone has their priorities and if that's what she wants to do now, she should. I'm sure she'll do a fantastic job.
As for me, I may not be a perfectionist but my standards for myself are really high. And if someone is willing to pay me an `X' amount of money, I have to give them their money's worth. I wouldn't want to let them down. I'd do everything in my power to give them my best... correction, better than the best.

Q.18 Is their anything in the pipeline?

When someone is offering you an obscene amount of money, it's time to sit up and think. To wonder, "Why are they offering me so much?" They obviously trust my capabilities, have done their survey and researched my value. But I'd like to pleasantly surprise them with something extra.

Q.19 Would you be interested in a talk show?

Oh Gawd!! Naaah. Talk shows sound really bad. Haanji, ab aap bataiye ... Puhlease... a mere conversation cannot be termed communication and I want to communicate with the world. Give them back what I've received from them. How I do that is something I still have to figure out. Whatever I do will be a part of me. As it always has been with whatever I've done. Be it a look, a dance or whatever.

Q.20 What's happening on the film scene?

Here we go again... Ha, ha... Ok... ok, I've just completed Dil Hai Tumhara in which I play mother to Preity Zinta and Mahima Chaudhary and there's Koi Mil Gaya in which I'm Hrithik Roshan's mom. I'm being asked why I'm playing mother roles, that I should still be doing films like Khubsoorat and Umrao Jaan.
But excuse me, I've always played mother roles right from Barkha Bahar which I did when I was 14. In Sada Suhagan I played Govinda's mother. People have short memories. I've played mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, I've done it all. I want to explore all kinds of relationships, characters negative and positive and even genders.

Q.21 What kind of relationships?

I'm being very honest with you. I have never had a real relationship on a normal, consistent, day-to-day basis with anyone. Be it my mother, father, brothers, sisters, my brothers- in-law, my husband, my lover, whoever. That's God's own truth. And with me, it's always been like that, destined that way. I don't know how to relate to people, what it's like to interact with anyone on a daily basis. I left home very young. I came to a strange city, didn't know the language, and didnt have friends or godfathers. I've been a loner all my life.

Q.22 Don't you find that odd?

Odd? Well, it's certainly not what I chose. It's something that was preordained for me. But I did have the chance to respond and react to situations and learn how to do things my way. I made my own world, a heaven in which I live like a princess.
I have the choice to brood and sulk and ask why I never became a mother when everyone else did, even Sri. But comparisons are not going to help. You have to think and figure out your own unique story and live it to the best of your abilities.
Know something? I still have this burning need to give my best... have the entire world who loves and believes in me... I must have done something right in my last birth to deserve all this adulation and the gift of being "Rekha". In fact, it's just the beginning to an endless end.
She is an example for people for whom social life did not come as naturally as for some. I really admire her for the fight she has put up for her existence even though so very alone. And certainly one should grant her the liberty of boasting about herself...as this must be one of the strongest pillars on which her self sustains. She proves that a girl can be unmarried, glamorous, and honest and yet be happy.Rekha's is a personality full of meaning and inspiration.

She is an example for people for whom social life did not come as naturally as for some. I really admire her for the fight she has put up for her existence even though so very alone. and certainly one should grant her the liberty of boasting about herself...as this must be one of the strongest pillars on which her self sustains.